The 1000 Years of the Phoenix

Perhaps for some, the one was not the one we thought was meant to be for us.  It seems like days pass, rounding up to months, and eventually years, and despite everything we learn, we still somehow manage to feel like we don’t have any answers.  Somehow, we are still thrown surprises, even by the things we thought we already knew.  It makes me think about what we really know about life and other people.  We have access to our mind 24/7 and yet we’re still searching for ourselves, for answers to mysteries about who we are and why we are the way we are.  If we’re always soul searching for ourselves by ourselves with such access to our brain, then how can we ever possibly assume we could know somebody else based on anything they say or do?  We have NO access to their brain 24/7.  We desperately hope that this thing called “honesty” will magically turn anything the other person says or does into a truth about who they are.  But I’m afraid that’s all it ever is; who they are according to us and how we choose to perceive them.  After falling in and out of friendships, and in and out of love, I realize that that is all the other person has ever been; an idea, my opinion of them and vice versa.  It explains why we can love somebody one day and the next hate them, finding ourselves muttering, “They weren’t who I thought they were.”  And there you have it…. who WE “thought” they were and maybe not really who they were.    Behaviors are not always explanations to a person’s character, because even intentions can be misleading compared from the inside out.  Without access to another’s mind, it’s hard to tell if what you see is really what is honest.  We all go every day with half revealing what we think, bottling up secret desires, resentments, thoughts… do we ever really say the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth? I was hoping that I might have a lot figured out by now, but the honest truth is, I still don’t have a clue.  I only have ideas, a collection of theories, but is there really truth in anything? Is there really fact?  It seems that in a world made up, all a person can ever have is just opinion.  Perspective.  Point of view.  But that’s all it is ever.  Opinion. Idea. Fact isn’t even always fact, because something can and usually does come along to disprove it.

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-V the Phoenix

The idea of love is the greatest lie ever believed.  There’s always a moment when one person or the other gets bored, or wants to cheat, or does cheat, or wants out, or takes the other for granted, or flirts with the intention of entertaining temptation, or cares less.  Humans are biologically created with a need to breed, so a desire for variety seems unavoidable.  Monogamy is simply a manipulation of our own desires for the sake of someone else’s feelings.  Because in reality, we all look elsewhere, hence the HUGE porn industry and the acceptance of your partner’s masturbation to it.  And the amount of focus put on porn can indicate a person’s addiction to variety and to attention.  And so much time spent with somebody seems counterproductive to our need for variety and our curiosity.  How many times do we watch the face beside ours in pictures change from one person to the next, each person seeming almost completely different each time, or drastically familiar?  Just for once, I’d like to believe that a timeless love does exist for me, but my heart has been traumatized too much to believe in that again.  I’ve really lost my faith in it.  I don’t trust lover’s or their intentions, and there’s no reason why I should, the truth could never be revealed, and the truth would always hurt me.  I’m done with the fairy tales and the fantasy.  I’ve lost my trust in it. I’m done with love.

This is Life

I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, as in a God Made Plan, or that some things were meant to be while other’s weren’t. I believe that what happens is always because of our choices, the effect they have on others, and the choices they make in response to them. Every decision has a consequence; both for us and for everyone around us.  The effects of all these choices causes us to do things we wouldn’t have had to do otherwise.  This is why everything changes all the time.  This is why we go down one path while another goes somewhere else.

Everything can work or not work regardless of whatever and it’s always up to us.  It’s always up to us and the choices we make, in the moments we are faced with one to make.  It’s not because we’re too young, or too inexperienced, or too this or too that.  It’s not because “this person is right for you” or “this person isn’t.”  It’s not because “this was meant to be” while “this was just meant to teach you something.”  It’s not because of “bad timing” or “the conditions just weren’t right”.  

It’s because of US.  It’s because of YOU.  It’s because of ME.  It’s because of the choices we choose and chose.  Everything that comes after those choices, are just the consequences. And yes, you will learn something from every experience, because there is something to learn from EVERYTHING, but that’s not a reason to believe that that’s all something ever was… just a lesson, just an experience meant to teach you something and get you ready for something else… because life isn’t planned, it isn’t mapped out… and everything to come is just a result of your previous choices and all the consequences they’ve had on other people…

Choices = Life

So next time, be aware of every moment with every person and every situation, and make a choice that will make you proud.. something honest.  Because you design your present not your future.  And it is in the present, with the choices that you make, that you have the power to foreshadow the future you might have.  Follow your heart and make the right choices NOW not later.

To answer a question left in my inbox

Warriors, there are some people who will take you for granted, and it’s not until you’re gone, that they seem to really notice you.  It’s that game of “I want what I can’t have”. But love doesn’t play games….  Learn from me, because I’ve made that mistake of giving too much too many times to people who were not willing to do the same.  I wasted a lot of time, a lot of heart, a lot of sanity, and a lot of freedom.  

All I can say to that, is stand your ground, find the space to walk away, somehow, someway, and do it for yourself, because if people can only realize your worth when they lose you, then they’ll never have the opened eyes to recognize your worth when they have you.  And no matter how wonderful you are, they will always be blind to it, they’ll notice everything and everyone else around you, they’ll see themselves, but still see so little of you.  Do not fight for these people, because they don’t know how to fight for you.

When this seems too difficult to commit to, just remember this, if you jump off the edge, the edge of a cliff somebody pushed you to, I promise you that you will land, but if you open your heart like a parachute, despite feeling so betrayed, you will fall through the space of somebody who WILL see you… and with time, even catch you.  And don’t worry about the other, because there will come a day, long into the future, when they will look back and realize, that you were the one who got away, you will be their regret, one they’ll never admit to anybody, and one they will fight everyday to hide from themselves…. and it’s all because they let it happen.

I’m not bothered by the success, the joy, and the promiscuity of my former lovers, because I’m happy for them, for their freedom, their choices, it’s what they want or think they need, and all in all, I KNOW MY WORTH, I sense how great things are going to get for me, I do what I want and what I think I need, I have found beauty in who I am and parts of myself that other’s made me feel ashamed of, I’m going after my own success, I’m creating my own world of joy, adding new pleasures to my life, and that is where I put my focus and my energy now.  I made a lot of bad choices over the years, and a lot of truly rewarding ones, and I even let myself fall apart over somebody I thought was worth it, but maybe they weren’t, maybe they were.  All I know is that I’m investing in ME now and  I LOVE MYSELF too much to care about the ways somebody would, could, has, or wants to hurt me.

Do the same for yourselves, warriors! Fight for you and all you believe. Fight for your potential.  And please, don’t overwhelm yourself with wishing you could be everything somebody wants, I suffered so much psychological stress praying, trying, and wishing I could be the things I knew my lovers wanted that I knew I wasn’t or didn’t have.  You should be absolutely 100% loved for who you are and what you have.  PERIOD!!  If somebody can’t love you for who you are when you’re poor, out of shape, skinny, unsuccessful, unfulfilled, struggling, frustrated, stressed, or anything like that… then you can’t really trust their love when you are rich, fit, muscular, successful, fulfilled, living, content, and in demand.  

I’ve learned, it’s so easy to love somebody when things are easy, when they are good, it’s so simple, but real love loves somebody, and finds the beauty in a person, when things are hard or when they are not at their best…  Friends and lovers who walk through the fire and the soil, the light and the darkness, the good and bad, who see your best at every moment and trust in you, they are truly wonderful creatures.  If anyone’s ever shown you this, HOLD ON, and if you’ve ever had to ask somebody to be there, LET GO.  It’s a no questions asked.

I will not give anybody the satisfaction of competing with them.  I compete WITH MYSELF! There are 3 essences of my character: who I was, who I am, and who I will be.  Within these are all the personalities that make up that whole person I call myself.  When I say I’m competing with me, I mean, the person who I am, competing to become the person I want to be.  I look at what I want and try to prove to myself I can attain it.  To be my best self means honesty with myself and others, full emotional and perceptual honesty, and that will never include competition with anyone.  

For me to ascend, transcend, grow, evolve, I don’t need to “rise” above you.  To say that, would mean to acknowledge the existence that some people can be more superior to others. And based on what? Some self-invented scale of what failure and success, nobody and somebody, inferior and superior, unworthy and worthy is? I don’t buy it.  I believe we all are balanced.  

Besides, that won’t ever make me a better person, because then I’d be focused on what you’re doing and not what I could be doing to contribute to society, and that’ll only make me less of the man I’m seeking to grow into.

I aim to “rise” to my potential and not to a pedestal I can look down on people from.  A pedestal gives me artificial height and I want REAL height. I’d rather GROW tall on my own so I can STAND tall, (not over others, and not for others, for myself and with others), so I can LIFT them up with me.

Constant variety, change, and risks…. that has been my life these 23 years.  I may have made Mr. Frost proud, because I’ve mostly walked the roads less taken.  I remember reading that poem when I was little, and something in my gut said, “Your life will be extraordinary! Your life will be this!”.  I always had a deadly focus to go where I wanted, do what I deemed right, and to get what it was I wanted… even so young I was so free spirited.  I’ve watched things and people come and go all my life.  I’m so familiar with change that I’d actually be surprised by something consistent.  I may even enjoy it more.  Variety isn’t so exciting to me, because I’ve known what I wanted for so long, that all the rest is of very little interest to me.  

A prime example, when I was a little kid, I use to put a quarter in the gum machines, and I would waste all my money until I got the exact gum ball I wanted.  I’d come in time and time again until it was mine.  Another example, I use to have a yellow blanket, I’d go everywhere with it! My mother told me that one time we lost it and I cried all day until it was found.  I refused any other blanket.  I couldn’t rest, I couldn’t smile, until it was in my arms again.  I knew how much I loved that blanket and nothing else mattered, not even any other blankets (which, after seeing the blanket again all these years, were a hundred times better and warmer).  A recent example, when I got an intuition that I was attending the wrong college, I immediately dropped out, no hesitation.  I knew where I had to go, and I knew where I shouldn’t be any longer, so I left.  I faced the consequences bravely, because they were worth it to me, to say I went for all I wanted and to have no regrets. I know I’m making this sound easy, but these choices were anything but!  They each came with their own HUGE pile of shit to deal with, but I always refused to invest in something that my heart wasn’t truly in it for.  When it comes to me, if I have no passion for it then there’s no dedication either.

Even when I indulged in the varieties of each aspect of living, I’ve always known I could have done without it, because it was never what I wanted.  It was only a pause in my progress towards achieving what I wanted.  I don’t need every experience to feel like I’ve lived it all, I don’t even need to experience every thing that looks interesting to me or excites me to feel fulfilled or like I lived my life to the fullest.  I only need what I need and to have what I want, isn’t that the idea of success? Having all you need and want?  

When I know what I want, that’s it for me, I’m focused, nothing else matters, nothing else distracts me, I go for it ALL EFFORT and no less… all I see is it and me.  I guess I’m like the werewolves in Twilight, meaning, I imprint. Whatever it is I want: a job, a career, an object, a person, an opportunity, an event, etc… I imprint on it, I see only it, and I go for it. It’s that intense for me.  When my heart or my mind is made up, it’s pretty hard to rewrite the process and make it choose otherwise or change course.  So when I have to do that, it’s more difficult than average people.  Maybe it’s some sort of OCD or a symptom of my ADHD.  Maybe it’s just a different psychology altogether.  All I know for certain is, despite the pros and cons, there is a beauty to it, a beauty many will not understand, may even judge, but that others will recognize value in… the rarity, the treasure, the pearl, the worth that I know I am.

There is no other Wil Viozzi and it’s because of my mind.  I am the one and only and nobody can ever find another version of me.  They simply do not exist.  I am the original.  I am the real thing.  I am the myth and the reality.  And when I die, there will never be another me.

I’ve been keeping to myself a lot lately, mostly to educate my brain about all I want to defend and stand up for.  One of these issues is the rights of gay people.  I’m studying both arguments in detail so I can understand my side better, the psychology of the other’s, and reawakening my passion for fighting and how to effectively make a difference or bring awareness to people who don’t see the discrimination in refusing same sex marriage.  There’s still a lot of research I’m doing, but some of the links below bring me some good information.  

There are places I go in NYC to lose my mind… The night is a sexual animal that I ride throughout the hours with a dangerous ambition and a power that cannot be challenged.

In the decaying mentality of the Ash Bird, I watch the burnt of my black charcoal wings flake and flounder off, more and more of myself disintegrating into ash.. A pile for my funeral bed and the pyre from which I will reignite and rise into the Phoenix one day. This is who I am this is what I do.